Ladies in waiting 21 April 2005, 13:06

Weddings are amazing. People seem to know in their hearts what they want for their wedding day, and then rush toward it like a mad rhinoceros while Tradition attempts to buffet them this way and that.

There is the tradition that a maid or matron of honour attend the bride and perform ceremonial functions, along with other bridesmaids in attendance. The corresponding groom’s party includes the best man and other groomsmen.

This tradition may have roots in creating stand-ins for possible no-shows (with the rule that the maid of honour and best man be unmarried?) so that there would still be a wedding and a feast in case of disaster. Who knows?

But I do understand that putting on a big show for a wedding, long the prerogative of social climbers and the upper class, is an important impetus behind “tradition.” Hence turning out attendant servants in matching livery (many hired for the occasion). And taking pictures. Lots of pictures. This ultimately leads us to saving on matching tuxedo rentals for a veritable police lineup of groomsmen and forcing bridesmaids into identical pastel or jewel-toned gowns.

Tradition and its limitations

But apparently there are now openings for bridesmen and groomsmaids and a whole set of cool stuff. If some traditions seem a bit binding and don’t quite fit you, your family structure or the occasion, betrotheds: set yourselves free!

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Married: July 2004
Wedding code: CSOAFNLD
C for Civil
S for Secular & Small (~50 guests)
O for Outdoor & Over 30
A for Afternoon
F for Formal
N for No change of venue from ceremony to reception
L for Living together since 1996
D for Dead cheap (budget under $10,000 Cdn)

Marrying as adults after living together for quite a few years denotes a solemnization of an existing union. If we had been doing this only for ourselves, we’d have done it by ourselves with the minimum of witnesses (a bit like when we got together as a common-law couple!). People we particularly wanted to honour (and celebrate with) were those who knew us before we were a couple; while for others we have met since we got together, our marriage has already been a constant in their minds for some time.

The wedding took place in the groom’s parents’ hometown of Kamloops. While the bride and groom reside in Edmonton, their attendants hailed from as far away as Sydney, Vancouver and Calgary. No bridal shower nor bachelor party was planned. Many of the preparations traditionally carried out by attendants were done by ourselves and by my bridegroom’s parents, although many members of my family were a great help that weekend.

We wanted to honour our parents in the wedding ceremony. We both walked down the aisle with our mum and dad, first groom then bride (being thusly “given away” without fanfare). We then stood with our parents and stepparents during the ceremony. The fathers held the rings and the bride’s mother held the bouquet. Our siblings (Alex and Uri) signed the register as our witnesses.

No massive group pictures were planned, especially not a “wedding party” shot including the newlyweds and attendants. No presumed escort or ceremonial dances between the attendants was planned; these days most attendants are married or shacked up, am I right? (If there’s a ceremonial dance that can’t be missed, it’s dancing with your new husband and having your dad cut in so the groom can go dance with his mother, then having your father in law cut in, and so on.)

Attendants

I asked my best girls J and KD to be my bridesmaids, and they assented (thus becoming de facto co-maids of honour). I love both of these long-time friends, though we live in different cities and don’t get to hang out nearly enough. I let them know there was no dress code, and put them on light duties (getting ready together at my future inlaws’, noting which gifts were from whom, tying bows on candelabras, etc.). The two bridesmaids (never mind what they wore, they looked great!) sported wrist corsages of fresh flowers, while coordinating corsages went to the mothers and to the bride’s stepmother, sister in law and stepsister B. No flower girls attended.

The groom did not ask any friend or family member to stand as best man. Rather, the four groomsmen included the groom’s brother, as well as a long-time friend of the groom, the groom’s cousin and his cousin’s son. Our main coordinator of proceedings and casual MC was the brother of the groom, assisted by the groomsmen.

The groom wore a morning suit of striped trousers, charcoal grey tailcoat, black waistcoat, white shirt and paisley ascot with a pearl pin. Groomsmen were free to choose their own attire, and appeared in dark suits. Their boutonnieres (also worn by the bride’s father and stepfather and the groom’s father) coordinated with the corsages but differed from the groom’s flame calla lily, which coordinated with the bridal bouquet.

(The bride wore a deep grey silk salwar kameez with gold and copper accents and an old, borrowed necklace of Russian gold with a blue topaz, for the curious.)

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